The rise of the gay dad
Having two dads isn't as unusual as it used to be. Rebecca Seal meets the generation of young, gay men who are re-inventing the world of adoption
Rebecca Seal, (The Observer, 25/11/2009)
Peter, 44, and his partner adopted brothers Carlos, eight , and PJ, four.
You never know what prejudices you will come across. If you approach an agency about a child or sibling group, they are at liberty to say you don't match the profiles of these children, and you hear nothing from them and you don't know why that is. Even at the recruitment stage, you might hear agencies saying they've already got a gay or lesbian couple on their books and they're not looking for any more, or because you're white you can't go on their books, or because you're gay you'll not get children under five. It isn't an even playing field. But maybe that will change when social workers have more experience of kids doing just as well in gay- or lesbian-headed households.
The statistics from the National Adoption Register suggest gay and lesbian adopters are more open to older kids and sibling groups, and also we're more ethnically mixed as couples than heterosexuals. We represent a different profile of adopters. And being gay or lesbian should help you relate to the experiences of these children, because they've experienced difficult starts in life, they feel different and excluded and aware that other children haven't had similar experiences.
There are a lot of very supportive, well-meaning social workers. But sometimes they can impose a hierarchy of adopters in which married heterosexual adopters with money are at the top and a single, gay, white man would be at the bottom – a single, gay, black man would be higher, since they are keen to match ethnically (most gay and lesbian adopters think they were never going to have children who were going to look like them anyway, so what does it matter?). The law is just about giving gay and lesbian adopters an equal opportunity to apply.
I don't necessarily disagree with lots of stereotypes about gay people – it's the way that they are used to suggest that we are less worthy as parents that's the problem. There's still a heterosexist attitude, where everything straight is seen as better because it's the norm.
You spend months talking to your child's social worker, and to the family-finder whose job it is to match you. We only saw one picture of the boys and read a 200-word profile to begin with – although as it gets closer you get huge documents and masses of files. Then you might first get to meet their foster carer, or a birth relative who is positively inclined towards the adoption. Next, you might get to meet the child for an hour one day, and the next day a whole morning, then the next day you might put them to bed or to take them to the park. So over time you get to know them – maybe a few days if they are small and a month if they're older, and there's a transition where they begin to understand who is responsible for their care. Ours was over 12 days. Our boys attached to us very quickly and it was lovely, a really beautiful time.
We're lucky to be in a school with other children with gay and lesbian parents. I think it is more difficult for people who don't have that, as school very much becomes your world. We know lots of kids who've got a dad and a stepdad. When other kids visit they might think: "Oh, your two dads live together", but I don't think our kids even see us as different, and other kids don't seem to notice.
It's a challenging thing taking on children of a certain age – they've got histories and attitudes and experiences and friends and attachments to people they might not see again. Most people try to give their children the sense that, notionally at least, their birth parents did love them even if they weren't cut out for parenting.
Having two dads isn't as unusual as it used to be. Rebecca Seal meets the generation of young, gay men who are re-inventing the world of adoption
Rebecca Seal, (The Observer, 25/11/2009)
Peter, 44, and his partner adopted brothers Carlos, eight , and PJ, four.
You never know what prejudices you will come across. If you approach an agency about a child or sibling group, they are at liberty to say you don't match the profiles of these children, and you hear nothing from them and you don't know why that is. Even at the recruitment stage, you might hear agencies saying they've already got a gay or lesbian couple on their books and they're not looking for any more, or because you're white you can't go on their books, or because you're gay you'll not get children under five. It isn't an even playing field. But maybe that will change when social workers have more experience of kids doing just as well in gay- or lesbian-headed households.The statistics from the National Adoption Register suggest gay and lesbian adopters are more open to older kids and sibling groups, and also we're more ethnically mixed as couples than heterosexuals. We represent a different profile of adopters. And being gay or lesbian should help you relate to the experiences of these children, because they've experienced difficult starts in life, they feel different and excluded and aware that other children haven't had similar experiences.
There are a lot of very supportive, well-meaning social workers. But sometimes they can impose a hierarchy of adopters in which married heterosexual adopters with money are at the top and a single, gay, white man would be at the bottom – a single, gay, black man would be higher, since they are keen to match ethnically (most gay and lesbian adopters think they were never going to have children who were going to look like them anyway, so what does it matter?). The law is just about giving gay and lesbian adopters an equal opportunity to apply.
I don't necessarily disagree with lots of stereotypes about gay people – it's the way that they are used to suggest that we are less worthy as parents that's the problem. There's still a heterosexist attitude, where everything straight is seen as better because it's the norm.
You spend months talking to your child's social worker, and to the family-finder whose job it is to match you. We only saw one picture of the boys and read a 200-word profile to begin with – although as it gets closer you get huge documents and masses of files. Then you might first get to meet their foster carer, or a birth relative who is positively inclined towards the adoption. Next, you might get to meet the child for an hour one day, and the next day a whole morning, then the next day you might put them to bed or to take them to the park. So over time you get to know them – maybe a few days if they are small and a month if they're older, and there's a transition where they begin to understand who is responsible for their care. Ours was over 12 days. Our boys attached to us very quickly and it was lovely, a really beautiful time.
We're lucky to be in a school with other children with gay and lesbian parents. I think it is more difficult for people who don't have that, as school very much becomes your world. We know lots of kids who've got a dad and a stepdad. When other kids visit they might think: "Oh, your two dads live together", but I don't think our kids even see us as different, and other kids don't seem to notice.
It's a challenging thing taking on children of a certain age – they've got histories and attitudes and experiences and friends and attachments to people they might not see again. Most people try to give their children the sense that, notionally at least, their birth parents did love them even if they weren't cut out for parenting.
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