The rise of the gay dad
Having two dads isn't as unusual as it used to be. Rebecca Seal meets the generation of young, gay men who are re-inventing the world of adoption
Rebecca Seal, (The Observer, 25/11/2009)
Simon, 36, and his partner have been together for 12 years. They adopted David when he was six, two years ago.
Our adoption was very smooth. We started the process in 2006 and it took us about 18 months to get approved and then about six months to actually find our son. He moved in with us two years ago. We were the first gay couple to go through the process in our area, and our local authority gave us so much support. We live in a small village and they've all been good too – we've always been very open, and they knew from day one what we were doing and were more curious than anything.
At first he called us by our first names. Now he calls us Dad and Daddy – I'm Dad, James is Daddy. I think that'll peter out – he won't want to call James Daddy when he's 16. It came naturally that he called me Dad because, as I like to put it, I had my maternity leave, so I was off work for nine months and with him all the time; James was there evenings and weekends.
There's always going to be a degree of prejudice about gay adoption. But these children have come from incredibly bad backgrounds – what they've experienced in the early parts of their lives an adult would find very hard to cope with. These children have one or two loving parents – someone who loves them, who'll give them cuddles. Whether they're a gay or straight couple or a single person, as long as the child is getting support it doesn't matter. The odd person in the village said they weren't sure about what we were doing – that a child needed a mummy and a daddy – and I agree. But when that's not available, there's the next best thing.
Zoltan, 38, and Mark, 35, have been together for 11 years and officially adopted five-year-old Lucia two weeks ago.
Zoltan: I was fostered myself and I wanted to give something back, as it were, and Mark has a really magical quality with children. Kids just feel really comfortable with him. At first we wanted to foster. We went through the fostering approval processes, and our very first placement was two little girls, half-sisters Natalie and Lucia. After a while it became clear that they were never going to go back to their mother and so, two and a half years after she was placed with us, Lucia is now our daughter. The initial plan was for them to be adopted together, by us. But in the end Natalie's real father wanted her (he's not Lucia's father).
The local authority was very pro us adopting, but we did have difficulties trying to foster. Once you're approved to foster you go on a list, and when social workers have an urgent or planned child to place they go down the list and start phoning people. Five or six times we had false starts – we'd be told a child was arriving and then it didn't happen. I got suspicious, because we were the only male, same-sex couple registered in the borough. It got to a point where we were supposed to be doing respite care with two boys in foster care, and we think their biological family vetoed us, even though the children had been removed from them. So I said to the authority: "You need to assess what your policies are, because this looks like homophobia." I was very tough and a week later, Lucia and Natalie arrived.
The first social worker who came to assess us said: "Would I want my child to be adopted by two gay men? I don't know…" and then she went: "I think I would." And that was her mind made up.
The first adoption panel was a bizarre experience. The maximum number of people on the panel is 15, but, perhaps because we were the only male same-sex couple in the borough, there were 17.
The whole process is in some ways fantastically well thought out and set up: you're assigned a social worker and there's one for the child, plus independent legal representatives who are supposed to represent the children. That's good, but the risk is that people have different ideas and agendas; we felt that one of the legal representatives was homophobic.
The kids in Lucia's class know everything, and there are other children with same-sex parents too. Kids will come up to us and say: "So you're Lucia's daddy?" Yes. "And she's got two daddies?" Yes. "Why?" And then another one says: "Cos her mummy's poorly." It's great. The school has been so supportive – they asked what they could do and who they could write to, and when we told the headmistress two weeks ago she was in tears.
Mark: Sometimes the stress and pressure became immense – we both stormed out at times. But Zoltan's my whole life and we're as solid as a rock. We'd been together nine years when we started this. In Lucia's eyes we're Daddy Markie and Daddy Zoltie. She's very assertive – if I'm helping at her school I'll be surrounded by kids and she'll come pushing through them, saying: "That's my daddy." Lucia's been with us throughout this process, remember, and she's been overwhelmed by it, I think. She's had a lot of uncertainty, and you forget how much they pick up. But two weeks ago we were finally able to say: "You are now our daughter." She got straight on the phone to my mum and says: "Right, Nan, now I'm adopted, what we're going to do is sort my bedroom out" and off they went and bought new curtains.
Having two dads isn't as unusual as it used to be. Rebecca Seal meets the generation of young, gay men who are re-inventing the world of adoption
Rebecca Seal, (The Observer, 25/11/2009)
Simon, 36, and his partner have been together for 12 years. They adopted David when he was six, two years ago.
Our adoption was very smooth. We started the process in 2006 and it took us about 18 months to get approved and then about six months to actually find our son. He moved in with us two years ago. We were the first gay couple to go through the process in our area, and our local authority gave us so much support. We live in a small village and they've all been good too – we've always been very open, and they knew from day one what we were doing and were more curious than anything.At first he called us by our first names. Now he calls us Dad and Daddy – I'm Dad, James is Daddy. I think that'll peter out – he won't want to call James Daddy when he's 16. It came naturally that he called me Dad because, as I like to put it, I had my maternity leave, so I was off work for nine months and with him all the time; James was there evenings and weekends.
There's always going to be a degree of prejudice about gay adoption. But these children have come from incredibly bad backgrounds – what they've experienced in the early parts of their lives an adult would find very hard to cope with. These children have one or two loving parents – someone who loves them, who'll give them cuddles. Whether they're a gay or straight couple or a single person, as long as the child is getting support it doesn't matter. The odd person in the village said they weren't sure about what we were doing – that a child needed a mummy and a daddy – and I agree. But when that's not available, there's the next best thing.
Zoltan, 38, and Mark, 35, have been together for 11 years and officially adopted five-year-old Lucia two weeks ago.
Zoltan: I was fostered myself and I wanted to give something back, as it were, and Mark has a really magical quality with children. Kids just feel really comfortable with him. At first we wanted to foster. We went through the fostering approval processes, and our very first placement was two little girls, half-sisters Natalie and Lucia. After a while it became clear that they were never going to go back to their mother and so, two and a half years after she was placed with us, Lucia is now our daughter. The initial plan was for them to be adopted together, by us. But in the end Natalie's real father wanted her (he's not Lucia's father).
The local authority was very pro us adopting, but we did have difficulties trying to foster. Once you're approved to foster you go on a list, and when social workers have an urgent or planned child to place they go down the list and start phoning people. Five or six times we had false starts – we'd be told a child was arriving and then it didn't happen. I got suspicious, because we were the only male, same-sex couple registered in the borough. It got to a point where we were supposed to be doing respite care with two boys in foster care, and we think their biological family vetoed us, even though the children had been removed from them. So I said to the authority: "You need to assess what your policies are, because this looks like homophobia." I was very tough and a week later, Lucia and Natalie arrived.
The first social worker who came to assess us said: "Would I want my child to be adopted by two gay men? I don't know…" and then she went: "I think I would." And that was her mind made up.
The first adoption panel was a bizarre experience. The maximum number of people on the panel is 15, but, perhaps because we were the only male same-sex couple in the borough, there were 17.
The whole process is in some ways fantastically well thought out and set up: you're assigned a social worker and there's one for the child, plus independent legal representatives who are supposed to represent the children. That's good, but the risk is that people have different ideas and agendas; we felt that one of the legal representatives was homophobic.
The kids in Lucia's class know everything, and there are other children with same-sex parents too. Kids will come up to us and say: "So you're Lucia's daddy?" Yes. "And she's got two daddies?" Yes. "Why?" And then another one says: "Cos her mummy's poorly." It's great. The school has been so supportive – they asked what they could do and who they could write to, and when we told the headmistress two weeks ago she was in tears.
Mark: Sometimes the stress and pressure became immense – we both stormed out at times. But Zoltan's my whole life and we're as solid as a rock. We'd been together nine years when we started this. In Lucia's eyes we're Daddy Markie and Daddy Zoltie. She's very assertive – if I'm helping at her school I'll be surrounded by kids and she'll come pushing through them, saying: "That's my daddy." Lucia's been with us throughout this process, remember, and she's been overwhelmed by it, I think. She's had a lot of uncertainty, and you forget how much they pick up. But two weeks ago we were finally able to say: "You are now our daughter." She got straight on the phone to my mum and says: "Right, Nan, now I'm adopted, what we're going to do is sort my bedroom out" and off they went and bought new curtains.
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